Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
