Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
