The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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