I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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