I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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