Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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