i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
