I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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