I hope mine doesn't look like that
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
