you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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