He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
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Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
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I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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