I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
