Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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