im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
