I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
