dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
