i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
