i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
