Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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