I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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