I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
