i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize