she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
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Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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