Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just invented taco cereal.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
