I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
