You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
