Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
