you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
