Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
