I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
