Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
