brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
