If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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