You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
