I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
