I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
