I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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