I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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