when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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