Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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