New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
