96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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