we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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