sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
