On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
