I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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