i already hear my dad disowning me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
