fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
