why do cheetos always look like penises
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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