turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
