im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
