Don't make out with my wife yet
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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