Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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