We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
