Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
