You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
