are you still at the devil's house?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
